Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
