my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
