you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
