I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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