woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
