this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't deserve a penis
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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