Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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