Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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