Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize