I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
