I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize