He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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