I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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