if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
