i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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