...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
