He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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