please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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