when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
