I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
