Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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