If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
