woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
