i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
