Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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