I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
