Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
