Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
