I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
