she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
