I hate all girls vehemently.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
