Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
