is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
