I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
