There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
FUCK WHALES
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
