Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
