Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
