38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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