I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
