my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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