My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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