I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
