and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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