you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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