Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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