just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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