My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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