I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
