I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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