Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
