Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
