I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
