it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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