I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
