Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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