I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
