I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
