apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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